Affiliations

Read Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen? Its all about associations and affiliations. Same goes with another title by the same author named Persuasion.

"No man is an island", who doesn't know that? Yet life is not all just that. Yes we mingle. Yes we talk. Yes we socialize. Some people...no, I stand corrected, many people...choose who to mingle with, to talk to, to socialize with.

From the Anglo Saxons to ancient China, statuses in the society determines who is worthy and who is not of owning wealth, fortune, fame and of course that comes with what we call "luck" too. "Luck" in this view is a pure manipulation of strings. Know those with greater authority, the more luck you have.

I reckon I'm not a phantom blogger. Very much alive and kicking. As much of a nerd as I am, I do mingle around and I do have a circle of friends and acquaintances. All of them are unique, with characters of their own, consisting of both amiable ones and some far less.

I've known people whom I've held closely to my heart, and have also had my heart broken because of them. It doesn't need to be the extreme that a person walks out of my life because I fell, be it academically, socially or monetarily. It only takes a bubble of air in our artery to stop our heart, same goes here. A minute incident can crush a heart, as long as the person involved is given a special place in the heart.

My academic results this year is definitely not what I wanted, nor what I have expected. I planned to move on and graduate by this time next year, but my dream didn't coincide with my fate.

For a couple of days I cried my heart out.

For a couple of weeks my mood have been dampen.

For a couple of times I feel like a failure.

Yet, the last thing I need is sympathy. I confided in a person I called a friend, a special one, held close to my heart. At first it was all the cliche..."everything will be alright". As time goes by, it became a wee bit sarcastic - "got to study hard", not "harder" but "hard". Then it comes to a point where I have perhaps been labelled a negative influence. A supposed motivational email have been sent to me, its all about "appreciation", comparing academic failure to starvation in Africa.

Academic failure is not a big deal, trully. I wouldn't let this put an end to my ambition of being a legal professional. Never. But if you could compare the heartache of having to spend an entire year sitting for the same papers that had been slaved through the year before to starvation, it doesn't make much sense.

Why then would lovers cry when the relationship breaks down?

Why then would people commit suicide because they can't cope with a death?

Why then would anyone get distressed just because the bestie don't call anymore?

All the above makes no sense compared to starvation. Starvation is about life and death. Academic results are not; breakups are not; mental reliance is not; friendships are not!

Faces of those starving kids would have glowed cheerfully when they see a simple piece of pre-packed coarse bread. How could such a thing bring a smile on Bill Gates' face? These kids needed food, it would make them happy to have some. Bill Gates needs a robust economy, it would have put a smile on his face. This, is not about taking things for granted. I am glad to have everything that I have. In fact I am so lucky, and I still feel that every single day of my life. But i can't smile with such joy now, not because I am ungrateful...because I failed to get what I needed.

There are people who would walk out of our lives just because we're no longer up to mark...just because we fell down once. They thrive on affiliations, good ones (from what they perceive to be good) at that.

Some of those people around me would think that I'm drowning myself in self-pity. In fact I'm not, I'm all ready to move on in life, its just that I can't bring myself to crack a smile as easily. It wouldn't lessen the way I treat anyone.

If one thinks it unworthy to have a person who has not been lucky, then that one person can feed on affiliations, thrive on compliments and live life perfectly blind.

The Beginning

I've had blogs, I've written thousands of posts but I've deleted them all just because I wanted a fresh start. It may sound like an act of compulsion, which sometimes I myself do feel that it is a rush to delete all memories from the blogsphere, but I've not regretted it.

Its a great feeling, knowing that we're able to start afresh, to start anew. Dawn is always always a beautiful thing to those who knows how to appreciate it, so is dusk. Everything looks beautiful with some appreciation, doesn't it?

This blog to me is to balance out my life. There are things that I couldn't put into words... OK, that doesn't sound right. Let me just rephrase that. There are things that I couldn't put into words, verbally. Humans like any other living things have something called emotions. Emotions are abstract, and the understanding of it varies individually. I could far well express my own emotions to another, but I couldn't expect the other person to understand it in the context that I tried to convey. Plus, there is no insurance that I wouldn't crush another's emotions just by expressing my own's.

This is what a blog is for anyway right? For the expression of emotions and everything else which could be expressed.

I wanted to start this,
Because of a new chapter in my life.
Because of a twist of fate.
Because of a gush of frustration.
Because I simply needed some space to unleash myself.

Here marks the beginning of a new post, a new blog, and this is the my elixir of life...my sanctuary.